


Crap, I am gay

by Micmic115



Category: South of Nowhere
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27474298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Micmic115/pseuds/Micmic115
Summary: Ashley figures out she is gay from a dream. She has to figure out how to come out and tell her best friend that she likes her. How hard can that be?
Relationships: Spencer Carlin/Ashley Davies
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

I am standing in a white room. There are white walls and tables and chairs. The only things contrasting the white are the beautiful bright red, yellow and blue flowers that are arranged in the middle of tables and around the lights on the wall. As I look around the room, I spot a door on the far wall and walk over to it, like I am being guided by a force that I cannot see. As I open the doors, I see pews set on either side of a white walkway carpet leading to a white altar. People are sitting in the pews, but I can't quite make out anyone's faces. I walk down the aisle by myself to the mysterious figures standing at the end. Everything is a little fuzzy on the edges as I reach my destination but I hear one of the figures now standing in front of me asking “Will you take this person to be with you now and forever as long as you both shall live?” I was surprised to hear my own voice say, “I do”. I turn to face the person to whom I’ve just vowed myself to, waiting to see what man I am marrying. As I look over, I have to tilt my head down a little bit to find the other person's eye. Suddenly, their features begin to become visible; soft pale cheeks, kind brown eyes, and long blonde hair. Wait! Long blonde hair? No no no-no-no. My vision suddenly becomes perfectly clear as I realize that I know who she is. The person in front of me in the flowing white dress is my best friend, Spencer Carlin. I become so mesmerized by her beauty that I can think of doing nothing else except sealing our vows with a kiss. I don’t even wait for the magic word as I lean in toward her, her lips only centimeters away from mine… 

I sit straight up. I can feel the chill of the cold air in the blowup mattress under me. Reality doesn’t take long to set in before I remember that I am sleeping in my grandmother's living room. I look over at my step-sister, Kyla, who is still sound asleep next to me. Still panting a little from startling myself awake, I begin to analyze my dream and as I come to a conclusion, I whisper to myself, “Crap, I like girls. CRAP!” 

I, Ashely Davis, like girls? ugh! I start thinking about all the little things in my life that now make sense. Like why, when I hold a boy's hand it just doesn’t feel natural...or when one of my friends puts her head on my shoulder, I get butterflies in my stomach... or why when a cute girl sits just a little too close to me at school, it is hard to talk or even think straight. “Well,” I think to myself, “I guess I was never thinking straight”. 

I lay back down on the air mattress and try to get comfortable. My stomach is in knots as I ponder my new identity because I realize that I can not tell anyone about it. My mother is a devout Christian. I have no doubts that she loves me, but I am not sure if she would love me as much if she knew I liked girls. I rarely see my father, the legendary Rafie Davies, lead singer of Purple Venom. He has not been around for much of my life but there is no doubt that he loves me. Dad and mom are divorced but they are still extremely kind to one another. My sister is a lot like my mother in a lot of ways so it is strange to think that I have something I am dealing with and feeling that I can't talk to her about. We are only about a year apart in age and have grown up very close to each other. We are kind of polar opposites. I like to wear dark clothes and have dark hair with normally one streak of color in it; I like the punk rocker look, like my dad, but classier. Kyla has dark hair like me but is peppy, wants to be a cheerleader, and listens to pop music on a loop. She and Spencer, the girl that according to my dreams I want to marry, are on the cheerleading team at school and are good friends, but not like me and Spencer. “Spencer!” As I think of her name to myself, the images from the dream come rushing back. How can I ever look at her any other way? How can I ever face her again?

Spencer and I are the same age. We met in the gym class when we were ten. We randomly got assigned spots next to each other on the gym floor of our middle school. When I tell people how we became friends, I say that Spencer pretty much saw me sitting on the floor next to her, studied me for a minute, then decided I was going to be her best friend. I had no objections and we have been best friends ever since. Spencer is a little shorter than me, and very cute, with straight, highlighted hair. She likes to wear jeans with a tight shirt that looks good on a fit girl's body. Her body. 

We are in our senior year at King High School in California and are still the closest of friends. We are so ready to graduate! I am going to pursue music like my father and Spencer wants to go to college to learn how to be a film producer. I found a school with an amazing music course here in L.A., but Spencer is still weighing her options and looking at places outside of California. God, I hope she decides to stay here with me… I mean with her family and friends, but also, with me.

After thinking and worrying for what feels like hours, I feel my eyes get heavy again. We have a long drive back to California tomorrow. My grandmother lives in Texas and we’ve been here for Thanksgiving break. I am sure that I’ll have plenty to overthink about everything on the plane ride home tomorrow. “Just save it for the plane,” I think to myself. Although my eyes are heavy, my mind continues to swirl with so many thoughts that are mostly recycled for the fifth or sixth time. Where do I go from here, ugh being gay is going to be complicated isn’t it?


	2. chapter 2

I am back in California. The plane ride home was uneventful. I didn’t say much to anyone. I just sat and stayed in the world inside my head trying to picture what my life is going to look like now. What does it even mean to be gay? I mean I know it means I like girls but like, do I have to go out and buy a rainbow flag? I don’t even like rainbows… 

We are pulling up in the driveway of our castle sized home. It has a circle driveway with a fountain in the middle. The house is made of gray brick with some of the roof points that make it look like the castle at Disneyland, but it is not big enough to be classified as a mansion or anything. As I get out of mom’s Cadillac Escalade, I can hear my comfy bed calling to me, where I can finally be alone with my thoughts. My mom must have realized something was off; somehow, she always knows. As we begin to unload the bags from the oversized SUV, my mom stops, turns to face me, and as much as I tried to avoid it, we make eye contact. I hate it when she does that. With a concerned look, she asks “Are you okay, honey?” I look at her, not daring to blink, and reply, “I am okay, Mom. Just tired from traveling. I think I’ll just go lay down in my room for a while.”

She continues her staring contest, carefully searching for a hint of untruth. I’ve gotten good at this game over the years but I am afraid I will not win this time. I maintain my facade as a tornado of emotions begins to circulate in my mind. I can’t even begin to tell her what is going on because, well, I am still trying to figure it out. I feel regret for not being able to tell my own mother what I feel, and I feel sick from keeping it from her. She stares so deeply into my eyes that I’m certain she will see the cyclone through my pupils. She must have found the answer she was looking for because she nods and says, “Okay, just help me finish unloading the car first, please.”   
I grab as many bags as I can and drop them in the foyer as I enter the giant house. I find my own bags and head straight to my room, desperate to avoid another encounter with my mother. I enter my room, close the door, and for the first time in 24 hours, I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. Although I finally feel safe in my own bedroom, I can’t help but feel like there is an invisible weight on my shoulders. As I fall on the bed, I grab my phone out of my pocket, hesitate for a moment, and finally, I text Spencer.

Me- I am home. Long trip.

Spencer- YEAH!! You are home. I have been so bored! I binge-watched the entire series of Lost Girl while you were gone. You HAVE to watch it with me sometime! Is it still ok if I come over?

I hesitate to respond. I think of all the ways I can say no. I think of any and every excuse to keep her away because I am just not ready to face her yet. Part of me is longing for solitude, part of me wants to never see her again, and part of me can’t stand another minute of being away from her. When she is around I feel calm. The world makes sense when she is with me. 

Me- okay. I am in my room. Just walk in when you get here.

Spencer - Don’t I always?

Ugh! Now, I feel sick. Why didn’t I wait to text her? I know I promised to text her as soon as I got home, but she wouldn’t have known if I had waited an hour or two. She is on her way. I throw my head on the pillow and try to calm my butterflies, which now feel like a hive of bees that have made their nest in my stomach. “Spencer’s coming over,” I say out loud as I suddenly realize that I’ve just been traveling for what seems like the entire day. I run over to my vanity and quickly begin to freshen up. I resist the temptation to pick out a better outfit because I don’t want to seem suspicious. Spencer lives only five minutes away. I watch the time on my phone anxiously as I zoom to my bathroom. As I brush my teeth, l evaluate myself in the mirror. How do I not tell her what I am going through? She is my best friend and we tell each other everything. We have always liked to be near each other. Is that going to be different now? Is she going to know something has changed? Is she going to be able to tell I am gay now? Maybe I should just make sure we don’t get too close. But then she might suspect…

I hear the front door close loudly, and then muffled voices. I begin to panic. I take one last glance in the mirror before running to jump on my bed. I can hear her footsteps on the stairs. “Act natural! She’s your best friend. It is a regular day with your regular best friend. We can sort out the rest later!” I think to myself or rather, lie to myself.   
As the doorknob turns in what seems like slow motion, so does my stomach. I watch as the door begins to crack open, not daring myself to look away. Here she comes. Oh my God.


	3. Chapter 3

It has been a week since I came back to California. Everything has been fairly normal, except for me trying to keep my distance from Spencer, which is extremely hard when all I want to do is be near her. I constantly have to bite my tongue out of fear of accidentally saying something suspicious, like “You are the most beautiful girl in the world, Spenc. I love you.” or any other stupid thing that randlomly comes to mind when she is in my line of vision. I do really want to tell Spencer how I feel about her, it’s just so hard finding the right time and place. How do I tell her something this huge? I know that once I do finally spill the beans, there is no going back. Whether the outcome is good or bad, one thing is certain, things will never be the same. 

There is a dance coming up at our school on Friday that Spencer has been begging me to go to. I have told her repeatedly I am not going. It’s just not my scene, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe it could be a good time to tell her. 

I call Spencer after school when I know she is done with cheer practice and tell her that I will go to the dance with her, but only if she agrees to watch a horror movie with me after the dance. I can’t have her suspecting the truth, that I am just giving in because it is my chance to be close to her, so I can finally tell her the truth. Spencer squeals with delight when I tell her. She agrees very enthusiastically to my terms. 

Friday comes quickly and I find myself looking in the mirror putting the last touches of makeup on my face. I do not put too much makeup on, just enough to make my eyes pop and add a glow to my face with some foundation. I am wearing a black cut off shirt that shows my midriff just a little bit and tight black jeans that fit perfectly around my waist. My hair is pulled up tonight, with strands hanging loosely around my face and my signature pink streak perfectly on display as it contrasts the rest of the dark up-do. I debate on which shoes for a minute but decide on my favorite pair of black high heels that add at least two inches to my height and make my butt look great. 

Spencer and I agreed to meet at the dance since she had to be there early to help decorate with the rest of the cheer squad. Typically, the thought of too many cheerleaders in one place makes me want to barf, but when Spencer is in the middle of them, I don’t seem to mind as much.  
As I pull up and park in my normal spot, I notice a few of my classmates getting out of their cars with their girlfriends or boyfriends in tow. I remember that I am going to tell my best friend that I am gay tonight and that I like her. I wish it would be as easy for me as it seems to have been for them. They don’t have to hide who they love, or even who they are for that matter. I lean against my car and repeat to myself, “You can do this, you have to do this. No living a lie, no more secrets.” 

I enter the dance a little late. The music is going and people are already on the dance floor having a good time. I walk around nonchalantly while I look for Spencer, careful not to appear too eager. As I slowly pace the school gym, I begin to feel a little self-conscious, like everyone's eyes are on me. Which could quite possibly be true since I’ve refused to go to every other school dance before. I do have a reputation though, so I play it cool and avoid eye contact as I try to appear bored by the event. I spot Spencer on the dance floor with some of the other cheerleaders, including my sister. They both spot me at the same time. No turning back now. 

I nod at them. Kyla waves back and Spencer leaves her group and starts making her way over to me through the crowd. All of the Cheerleaders had to wear their uniforms to the dance. Apparently, the event is some kind of fundraiser for their team and I had been too preoccupied with my own problems to realize that it was probably why she tried so hard to get me to come. This was important to her, and I was only thinking of myself.   
I have to look down a few inches to look at her properly. Spencer is wearing the small green and gold top with the short matching skirt, highlighted by her clean, white cheer shoes. If you ask me, the uniform seems a little scandalous for teenagers but Spencer looks amazing in it so I won't complain. Her dirty blonde hair is pulled up in a tight bun, like the rest of her teammates but it seems as though Spencer rebelled the makeup policy tonight since she is showcasing a new peach colored gloss that draws my attention to her lips right away. 

My breath catches in my throat when she gets close to me. She is so pretty. I probably have the biggest stupid grin on my face but I’m too mezmerized to care. “You look great!” Spencer says. I blush and respond “You look beautiful, Spenc.” We both stand there and smile stupidly at each other for a minute. The gym is suddenly filled with the sound of “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston. Spencer and I look at each other with excitement because we both love this song. Spencer puts her hand out, I take it and we move to the dance floor. 

There are too many people around but I don’t notice at all. Time seems to stand still as we jump around to our favorite song like we always do, making up crazy dance moves and not caring who is watching. By the end of the song, Spencer and I are red in the face and out of breath but still smiling uncontrollably. Everything is right at this moment. 

The next song that comes on is some new mainstream slow jam. Spencer had obviously heard it before because she grabbed my hand in the normal fashion and said, “Let’s dance to this one, too!” I hesitate for a second, realizing that it is dangerous territory, but I give in as I melt under the pressure of her big hopeful eyes and beautiful smile. “Anything for you,” I think to myself as I allow her to lead me to a secluded area on the dance floor. We dance together all the time at home and it’s usually no big deal, but this time felt different to me, and I suspect that Spencer was starting to feel it too. 

I am a few inches taller than her, with my shoes so I have to look down at her as she puts her hands around my neck. I put my hands comfortably on her hips and we start to sway to the music, moving in a slow circle. We are looking at each other smiling but the pressure begins to build. Suddenly, as I hold her in my arms, all of the time spent in front of the mirror practicing this conversation seems to be in vain. I cannot take the close contact anymore as my stomach begins to turn and I look away from her. I have to get out of here. “I’m sorry, I have to go.” I say to Spencer as I drop my arms from her waist. As I begin to walk away, she moves her hands from my neck, down the length of my arms, and finally grabs my hands and does not let go. I feel a chill run down my spine and, not daring to make eye contact, I watch the goosebumps grow on my arms where her soft fingers traced my skin. I close my eyes. I’ve been busted.

When I open my eyes, I see the concern on Spencer’s face, puzzled at what I have just done. “Are you okay, Ashley? You have been a little off ever since you came back from your grandmother’s house. Did I do something?” I look back at her beautiful face and all I can think is, “I am gay and I like you. I am gay and I like you. I am gay and I like you. Just say it out loud! I am gay and I like you!” but the words cannot form. “It’s nothing. I’m just kind of going through something right now, something I have to deal with alone.” I respond instead, but I know she won’t buy it. “You can tell me anything, Ash. You know that right?” She says reassuringly. I nod my head and say, “Yea, totally. I think I’m going to call it a night though. Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow?” She doesn’t seem totally convinced but agrees. I can’t help but feel like I might have ruined her night, as I turn and walk towards the door, but at least I have another 24 hours before I have to tell her. Spencer is usually really good about respecting my boundaries, but I know she will not let this one slide for long.

As I open the door to exit the gym, I spot a few couples making out in the hallway. Once again I feel some bitter resentment towards their happiness. They can sit there and make-out with whoever they like, no fear of being rejected based on their gender or sexual orientation. Why is it so easy for them and not for me?   
“Well why not?” says a little voice in the back of my head. I’ve never tried to fit in before. Spencer has always accepted me, despite my aversion to the mainstream. Why should this be any different? I feel my stomach turn again, but this time, it is my confidence building in the place of the butterflies. I turn around and march back in the directions from which I came. It takes a second to spot my best friend in the sea of green and gold uniforms, but the flustered look on her face gives her away instantly. They had made their way closer to the speakers in my short absence. I can tell she was putting on a show for her peers but was hiding her fear behind her polite smile.

“Can I talk to you over there?” I say into her ear over the sound of the music. “Spencer!” she gasped, startled since I walked up from behind. “I thought you left,” she answered. “Please, it is important,” I begged. I know that this is really it, there is really no going back now.   
She walks with me over to a less crowded area in the gym. I look around and take a deep breath. “I have been waiting to tell you something I found out about myself while I was at my grandmothers, but I don’t know how. I am scared that once I tell you, it could ruin our friendship.” Spencer’s sweet concerned look turns to a frustrated concerned look. She says, “Nothing could drive me away from you. You are starting to scare me though. Just tell me what is going on.” I look her in the eyes and the music sounds muffled, the lights dim, the room spins, and everyone around us slowly fades from existence. It is just my best friend and me, alone in the world. I hear my heart beat louder, and faster as every second that passes feels like an eternity.

I finally ramble out, “I am gay and I love you Spencer.” I say it so fast that I am sure she couldn’t have understood what I just said. She looks confused at first, as if choosing her words very carefully. It doesn’t take long before her face turns into a smile. She moves her face closer to mine. I feel a chill run down my spine again as the warmth of her lips presses against my own. My body reacts instinctively, thank goodness, and I close my eyes as I kiss Spencer back. She pulls away slowly and I open my eyes, realizing that we are still in the middle of the dance floor of our school gym. People are still dancing, music is still playing, and the world is still functioning like normal. I look down at Spencer. She looks up at me, smiles, and says, “It took you long enough.”


End file.
